Women should be more sensible when it comes to marriage

Posted by admin Women Politics Tuesday, March 6th, 2012

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

•Agbabiaka
PHOTO: THE SUN PUBLISHING

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Mrs. Tinu Agbabiaka is a trained lawyer but works as Customer Service Manager with a popular international airline. Beyond that, she is the president, Practical Christian Living Initiative, PCLI, a faith-based NGO, established out of a passion to aid people live life God’s ways daily. Also, the organisation helps families discover principles of living a fulfilled life.

In this interview with Daily Sun, Agbabiaka speaks on how her passion has enhanced her leadership role as CSM and why couples must learn to make relationships work the right way despite all odds. Excerpts:

What does it take to be in leadership position of an international airline?
It takes a lot of patience to be a leader with so many people working under you. I think you’re either a boss or a leader. But as a leader, you have to first be a servant. For me, I’ve had God on my side.

Did your gender have any role to play in your getting to that position?
Not in any way. I’ve had God on my side all the way. The position I am now is one which many people struggle to get to and the reality is that they may never get it. But, I got it by pure miracle. It is a long story. I was just chosen for the position and currently I am the youngest manager there.

Being the youngest among the managers there, how do you carry people along?
My being the youngest amongst the managers notwithstanding, I am also mother to all. Currently, I lead a team of about 70 people on a shift, on a daily basis. Most of them are older than I am, but then I choose to lead them like a mother. A leader needs followers. If you don’t have followers, then you are not a boss; you are probably a boss, who just shouts all over. Beyond that, maybe my ministry too has helped. Over the years, I’ve seen that everyone has relationship issues – be you a Christian, Muslim or pagan. I try my best to also counsel them in their relationship issues. I guess that has even brought us closer. I do not just dish out instructions and watch them carry them out. If I find out that someone who has being doing well at something is beginning to falter, I seek to know the challenge and usually, you find that it goes beyond the person not knowing what to do at work, his or her emotions may not be balanced. Maybe he or she is having problems with his or her spouse or someone has just jilted him or her or someone is just not getting what he or she expects in a relationship. That also adds to our productivity and whether we like it or not, we need to start addressing that to get the best out of our employees or subordinates.

How do you balance your many roles?
It is God. I travel a lot. I need to pay more attention to my health, though. I am working on that seriously. I also think my husband has being of immense support. But I tell you, it didn’t start like that. It was hard work. Many people in church when they are complaining about something their husband did or didn’t do that he ought to have, if I want to pass any comment, they tell me ‘I don’t know what they are talking about and that my husband is different.’ Well, it is and I bless God for that and it is the faithfulness of God that they are seeing.

Does that mean you people don’t have issues?
That will be a lie. That will be the biggest lie anybody will tell you. Every couple has issues, the only difference is how they deal with it and move on. We always resolve issues on that day. I found out that when issues transcend the day, it becomes something else. Most of divorce issues you hear about, you really can’t trace any cogent thing that should have led to divorce. Some of these issues are piled up and when you have a heap of anger up in you, you explode wrongly. We don’t fight dirty. We don’t fight to kill. By that I mean kill the spirit. Some people fight to kill their spouse’s spirit -they curse each other; they fight physically and cause damage to their bodies. No, that’s not right. When the quarrel or fight is over, the damage is already done. You have wounds, physically and the worst is emotional. As human, it only takes the grace of God to forgive, not to talk of forgetting. If you said horrible things in the name of anger to your spouse, how do you want him or her to feel after wards? We have to watch it.

You are the president of Practical Christian Living Initiative, a faith based NGO committed to building relations especially among couples, how has it been so far?
Yes. We’ve being holding couples to bi-annual dinner and dance every year where we encourage couples to dine together during which we treat issues that are burning in marriages. We’ve had themes in the past such as “One Flesh”, “Now and forever”, “Seeds of Love”, Let no one put asunder”, “Language of Love”, “You and I” and recently we held with the theme “Is your house a home?”

In your own opinion, what do you think causes this disintegration in marriages?
Most of us in this generation grew under the polygamous setting or broken homes. The role model wasn’t there. So what happens now is that most people are trying the best they can but then, you can only give what you have. In other words, if you have nothing, you will give nothing. For instance, if my mother never made breakfast for her husband, when I get married, I wouldn’t think making breakfast is important and in fact it is an important meal. And if my husband is the breakfast eating type and he insists I cook it, then there could be problem because we are seeing it from two perspectives. If you don’t see your house as a home, irrespective of whatever you have inside it, you will never make any attempt to make it a home. I also tell men, when you use your job to cover up for your weaknesses and absence, remember that one day, you will leave that job, either by force or you’ll retire. If you’ve not taken time to build your home, then there is no place for you to return to.

Do you have time to relax at all knowing that you still have a full time job and you have to combine that with your music ministry and relationship counseling?
I do relax. For me, relaxing with my family is key. I can be in my house for one month and I’ll not go out. My two daughters are in the boarding school and we are looking forward to when our boy will join them so that it could just be us alone. We enjoy each other’s company.

How did meet your husband?
I met him while I was still in school but he was already working in Lagos. My husband did everything to woo me. But you know how it is now, I was young and just completing school, I felt I wasn’t prepared for marriage yet. My husband will pack foodstuffs and give it to any driver in the garage coming to Ife. The drivers were all scrambling to carry the foodstuffs because he will also tip them. Still, I didn’t yield to his advances. After I finished from school, I went to law school leaving my things in Ife. My husband went to my school, moved my belongings and went looking for my house in Ibadan. When I returned home on one of my visits from law school, my step mother called me and said that is your husband. For any man to go to this extent, he is serious.

My story is very funny because we later started seeing each other and got married without my parents knowing. We wedded at a registry. Not that my parents didn’t want him to marry me but when my father found out we did that behind him, he was very upset. Looking back. If think all things have worked together for good for us. We had many spiritual problems from both sides and probably if we hadn’t done that, we would not have been married.

16 years down the lane, how would you describe the journey?
Like every other journey, it’s been fun, also filled with bumps but we are riding to victory. Everything has not been smooth but I tell you, my husband is my best friend. We enjoy each other’s company. Our children know when mummy and daddy are together, its fun, joy and laughter. We have our misunderstandings but we resolve it in love and move on. We cannot afford not to show love to ourselves because we want our children to grow up in love, so that when they grow and get married, they will have love to give to whoever they marry.

So what would be your advice to couples seeking to make their marriages work?
You don’t choose your family members. I’m sure you didn’t choose the father, mother whom you will come through to this world and they didn’t seek your permission to choose your siblings either. But guess what? You chose your husband. You chose your wife. That is one choice we all had. Even in forced marriages, you chose to stay and that is why you are still there. There are lots of people whom their fathers chose their husbands or wives for, but they left. I think it is huge failure on your part, in your decision making, if somewhere down the line, you say something is wrong with your marriage and you want to end it. You have the responsibility towards making your marriage work, because you chose that person initially. That means you saw something good in that person before you made your decision. For you to also have your own self worth, self esteem and the ability to think right, you must stand up to the responsibility of that your initial decision, otherwise, your reasoning ability is questionable. Your spouse is your better half. So no matter what, she is still better.

Someone once joked that if people were to take their marital vows in front of Ogun, Sango, Ayelala or Amadioha, they won’t be quick to breaking such vows because they know that judgment is instant. My advice is for couples to take their vows more seriously. Take it that in spite of what might be evident, you will always stand by the person. We always forget that it is not the person that is doing that thing we see is wrong, there is a spirit in that person that makes that person does that.

What if it gets to an extent where battery or even outright killing is involved?
If a man is beating his wife now, he was beating her when they were courting or dating to a certain extent. The wife must have seen extreme ways in him, either he was beating her subtly or his sisters. If they did court or date for long, it was enough time for him to have talked about how he beat up his sister or he slapped a woman somewhere. If you ignore small signs like that, then be ready to face the music. Women are sensible but I’ll advice that they should be more sensible when it comes to these signs too.

-Sunwp_posts

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